Catching the Bouquet

Maybe you know the girl I mean.  She's pretty, smiling, seemingly has all her ducks-in-a-row.  She never has a misplaced hair on her head or a stain on her outfit.  Her shoes fit perfectly and she wears her make-up in a tasteful but trendy palate.  You wonder if she even sweats.  Take heart my friends.  Jealousy bites us all once in a while.  We compare ourselves to others as a natural instinct to define rank in a social setting.  We assign value beyond money to what car a person drives, what job they hold, and what house they live in.  Even though it's natural doesn't mean it isn't destructive.  A person can only be so "perfect."  Which is why I take a moment's pause to say, "I'm not perfect. But I am lovable, kind, funny and strong."  My hair does funny things in dry weather.  My clothes get ironned and then wrinkle again. We all struggle day to day with completing tasks, loving our families, and enjoying those closest to us.  So, give yourself a break.  Good things come when you are relaxed and ready to receive them.

Marriage is a wonderful thing and a complicated thing.  I can't really tell you that butterflies and birds are going to follow you all the days of your life if you just stick to a few simple rules.  That wouldn't be unlikely.  Reflecting on your relationship is sometimes hard as we traverse the unknown world of trying to live with another human being.  But our words have power, maybe more than we realize.  Our words about ourselves and our spouse give our brain neuro-pathways along a train of thought that eventually become permanent.  Just repeating to yourself,"His mom hates me" or "I look fat in my wedding dress" can damage our psyche.  You have to be careful what you say over and over.  Which is why the opposite can be true.  Saying things to yourself that are positive about you and the marriage can create a positive neuro-pathway.  

 The Power of Positive Thinking:

Watch the way you speak to others and describe your relationship to others.  If you listen to yourself diminishing yourself or your spouse it's a sign that you are either compensating for seeming too happy, too in love, too blessed, or that you have some unresolved anxiety about your relationship.  It's okay to be anxious and have "nerves" and wonder about things.  Which certainly you should be able to talk about with close friens and family.  But, I mean the kind of talk where you run into a person you haven't seen for a long time and then catch them up on your life in a few sentences.  Or a co-worker asking you how things are going. Or a casual friend commenting on the upcoming wedding.  Are you giving excuses, are you making affirmative positive statements.  It's about owning your life.  You should be happy to be getting married, and you should feel good about your relationship, and you should own that.  You should be able to say, "Thanks. Yeah were so happy" or "We have some big plans and are really excited about it."  It should be okay for you to own the joys in your life and not apologize or minimize them.

What it means to be yourself through your words: 

Giving the impression that everything is ok, when it isn't, is not what makes for deeper more positive relationships.  But understanding your strengths and remembering the good more than the bad is a skill.  You have to develop yourself in a relationship as much as you develop your partner.  Take 5 minutes a day and write out what you like, what you're good at, or use a devotional to ask yourself some questions about what is going on with you!!  Maybe a glass of wine with a friend is all you  need to give yourself a break long enough to get back into the fray of life and be happy.  It can be isolating to be engaged and planning a wedding when everyone around you wants to be supportive but also have a piece of your time.  Remember to rest, let some of the stress go, do positive things for your spirit to recharge before you tackle more tasks.  I know this sounds simple, but it can be hard to put ourselves first when trying to please so many other people in our families.  

Intimacy: the dirtiest word of the 21st century.  Being intimate isn't about being "close" as some people prefer to understand it.  Your spouse is not your slave or ball-and-chain.  Could you be chained to one person the rest of your life and be perfectly happy?  I couldn't.  But, I could be supported and challenged by a worthy friend/opponent whom I also happen to love.  Intimacy is really different than passionate, emotional togetherness.  I am not currently dating a certain man from my past, but I know him.  I know what he's thinking and what he "means" when he says things.  Talking to him now, that we aren't together, is still pleasurable because we still have intimacy.  I didn't plan on it.  It sort-of just happened.  You hang-out with someone long enough it just does.  My dad married a woman after my mother, whom he later divorced.  She wasn't the most kind and tender soul, but the loss of her in my life was felt.  I may not have bonded with her in a positive way, but only we knew the things that went on and that made us intimates.  Only she knows what it means to be with my dad and why it's a hard road.  That said, what a powerful tool for a love relationship.  It's almost like you can step back a little and still feel like you're in a relationship even when things aren't super great.  There's something to be said for a familiarity that breeds when you are around someone long enough.  Maybe that's the real key to long-term satisfaction in relationships, the intimacy.